Dear ReadersUnfortunately this question didn’t make it to us in time for Canadian Thanksgiving. But I decided to include it anyway as American Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and the issue can relate to any major holiday/family gathering.
QI have a Thanksgiving problem. I have two adult daughters in their early 30s. One has a new boyfriend she’s just decided to invite to our family dinner. The other is married with two dogs. The dogs are her and her husband’s babies. They don’t do well meeting people they don’t know, and my daughter refuses to leave them at home. We put our dog in the basement when they come over because she fears her dogs won’t get along with our dog. We love her dogs and don’t mind doing this, although it’s a pain.
The problem is that weeks ago I talked to both daughters and we all agreed they’d come to our house for dinner. Since then, our daughter has decided to bring her boyfriend. My daughter with the dogs asked us to change plans and have the dinner at her house because of the dogs’ anxieties with strangers. I have prepared everything for dinner at our home and it would be a huge effort to take everything there (it’s in another city).
They said they’d come to us, but it would be very stressful and they wouldn’t stay long. At this point wherever we gather, it will be awkward and likely uncomfortable.
What do I do?
Tricky turkey
AIn light of my recent response to a Christmas-related question, I’m going to start with this: My go-to is happiness and love, and peaceful relations among family and friends. I believe strongly in compromise. Though I love traditions, I’d rather make sure everyone is happy than insist on a specific detail or issue.
Having said that, you sound very easygoing and accommodating, and I hope that you found a solution that worked for everyone. My suggestion would have been that this year, you all go to the daughter’s house with the dogs. Give them a chance to get to know the boyfriend on their own turf. There are more holidays just around the corner and hopefully they’ll be OK with him second-time around.
As for your prepared foods, if you don’t own some already, the dollar store has very inexpensive dishes with lids, in glass or plastic, which will help you transport the food without spilling in the car. Perhaps your daughter with the dogs could make or pick up whatever won’t make the journey.
It’s all about solution-based compromise.
QMy sister was complaining to me about her boyfriend for the umpteenth time. They’ve been together on and off for the past three years. He’s a great guy, with issues. She’s also a great girl …. And also has issues. Who doesn’t?! My loyalty is obviously to my sister, but I really like her boyfriend. He’s become a part of our family over the years.
Whenever they argue, I stand by her, though my relationship with him doesn’t change. However, if he and I had plans to meet for coffee or lunch, I’d reschedule so as not to upset my sister. But I’m actually getting so tired of the ups and downs in their relationship.
How can I be the best sister to her while not feeling part of their teeter-totter relationship?
Dizzy sissy
AGet off the ride. I assume you’re all young adults with some sense of maturity. State your case to your sister. Tell her that you have embraced him as her partner, and have cultivated a friendship over the years. If at some point they part ways, you may have to say goodbye as well. But while they’re just going back and forth, you can maintain your friendship with him as long as your sister understands where your loyalty lies.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparents requesting an early Christmas (Sept. 27):
Reader: “I have NEVER seen any child being upset regarding when they receive Christmas gifts, REGARDLESS OF AGE.
“Many people give gifts on Christmas Eve, others on Christmas Day. Some families give gifts on Boxing Day. Children don’t care what day they receive gifts.
“The daughters-in-laws are being TOTALLY unreasonable, especially just coming off COVID-19. In 2021, my mother was exposed to a person who tested positive for COVID-19 on Christmas Eve. All of our family celebrations had to be delayed until she tested negative several times and showed no symptoms.”
Lisi: To be honest, I thought the same thing regarding COVID-19. Haven’t we all learned how to be more tolerant, resilient and how to problem solve towards a solution that works for everyone?
